


All Inside Of You

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, Episode Related, Gap Filler, Points of View, Season/Series 03, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-02-10
Updated: 2005-02-10
Packaged: 2018-12-29 02:40:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12072882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian and Justin think of one another while they are broken up.





	All Inside Of You

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

_If anything_  
It should have been a better thing   
From underneath you staring at the ceiling 

Justin lay in his bed at Daphne’s apartment, smoking a cigarette. He just had one of those dreams again. Those dreams starring Brian. His dreams about Brian are becoming an unwelcome nightly occurrence. But because they feel so real, he doesn’t want them to just stop completely. Because inside those dreams he can feel Brian inside of him, fucking him into oblivion. He can feel Brian’s weight fall on him after both of them have been satisfied. He gets tingles from Brian’s breath on his neck. And it isn’t until he wakes up with an aching hard on, alone in his cold bed that he truly believes that Brian isn’t with him. So, he lies in the bed staring up at nothing, wishing he were looking up at Brian and not the crack on the ceiling. Yearning for Brian to run his hands over every inch of skin that he has on his body. Longing to forget the feeling in the pit of his stomach he gets whenever he thinks about how he left the man he now craves. Thinking about how it wasn’t supposed to be like this. It should have been different. It should have been… 

 

_There’s another world of chocolate bars and baseball cards  
That hides inside of all this tension that I’m feeling   
But it’s all inside of you_

Brian sits down at the table with a shot of Beam in one hand and his checkbook in the other. He has to pay his bills for the month and whiskey seems to make the process more enjoyable. Brian writes out the gas, water, and electric in just a few seconds. But, his hand lingers longer on another check. Pay to the order of: Pittsburg Institute of Fine Arts 355-83-2589 (Justin’s social security number). The school identifies students by SSN so it is required on all tuition payments, which is why Brian remembers it. At least that is what he tells himself when he writes it down without hesitation. Brian’s body begins to tense as he thinks about the reason he has to write out this check. Justin’s father turned out to be an asshole that pretty much disowned his son. Justin shouldn’t have had to go through that, he shouldn’t have had to go through a lot of things. He should have been allowed to be a kid just a little longer. Brian often thinks about his maturity verses his former lovers’- no contest- Justin wins. Nevertheless, it was through Justin that Brian got to feel young again, not that he is old. He is far from old. And all Brian can clearly recall now is that Justin created a relaxed, fun lifestyle that was full of sunshine smiles and lazy sex ridden afternoons. And now that Justin is gone, so is the sunshine. 

 

_Surprise Surprise  
I miss your hair  
You miss my eyes   
And all this solitude is my confidence eroding_

Justin sits alone in his studio at PIFA having an allergy attack. He will never admit it but his life is fucking depressing right now, so depressing he can barely stand it. Justin takes out a fresh piece of drawing paper and a pencil to begin anything. He doesn’t know what he is going to draw, he just knows that he has to do something with these thoughts and emotions. He draws his first true muse from his recollection, without thinking. Every stroke he makes on the paper reveals another portion of Brian. Justin has a memory flash as each feature and nuance comes to life on the page: Brian’s broad nose, his careful yet careless hairstyle, his penetrating eyes, his perfectly shaped lips, swollen from kissing. The young man sits there wondering about his ex-lover. He wonders if Brian misses any part of him, because right now Justin pines for every piece of the tall, gorgeous man. But, for some reason, Justin yearns for the smell of Brian right now. His shampoo mixed with a touch of cologne and the remnants of a cigarette. Justin chalks it up to loneliness and the fact that he broke a heart and had his own heart broken in just a few months span. And what kills him most is he felt like he used to know everything, he used to have a plan. He used to be so sure, but now? He’s lost. 

 

_So we slide inside of someone’s mouth and someone’s eyes  
Until there’s the sound of something intimate exploding   
But it's all inside of you_

Brian walks into the backroom, looking for his fix for the next hour or so. He walks slowly, but with purpose, through the mass of men. Business as usual, is all Brian can think. That is until he peaks through the plastic dividers and finds the unexpected. Justin. His Justin. Fucking a trick. Like a car wreck on the side of the highway, Brian can’t take his eyes off his former lover. His blonde hair appears darker in the dim setting, but it still catches glints of light as he moves back and forth. Then, they lock eyes. Brian can see the lust, the want in Justin’s gaze. He has seen it before, hundreds, if not a thousand, times. Justin wants him and Brian grows hard instantly at the thought alone. A man comes and slithers down the length of Brian’s body and releases his hard on. Brian tries to look away, tries to be nonchalant and aloof. But, he feels piercing blue eyes focus on him and he is powerless. He has to look again. Beyond his control, he is imagining Justin on his knees, taking his cock deep into his mouth. Yet, right now, he settles for someone else sucking him off, because he doesn’t have to picture Justin’s face in his head tonight. Justin is there, so very present. And when Brian comes, rushing into the random mans’ mouth with a gasp and a moan, his glance never wavers. Because in his fantasy he just came inside of Justin, as always.

 

_I wish that I was anaesthetized and sterilized_  
And then you wouldn’t have this evidence congealing 

Justin looks up and notices Brian watching him. But, he is not half so surprised to see Brian, as Brian is to see him. Justin almost revels in that fact. Brian can try to play it cool, however his shock is visible around the edges; visible maybe only to Justin himself. The second Justin catches Brian’s undivided attention, he begins fucking the trick beneath him with new vigor. Justin isn’t fucking a nameless trick any longer. He is fucking Brian, even if it is only with his eyes. This is the kind of contact that he has hungered for while alone in his room at Daphne’s apartment. No matter how small or undetectable the contact, it is there and for the first time in a long time Justin feels sane. He wishes that he could put up a fight and act like he doesn’t care, that this doesn’t affect him. He wishes that he could be like a robot and not feel these emotions flood over him. That he could look into Brian’s eye and not be completely helpless. But, in this moment, Justin doesn’t care that his eyes are giving him away completely, giving Brian the proof that Justin still desperately wants him. 

 

_Surprise Surprise_  
Another pair of lips and eyes   
And that is the consequence of actually feeling   
It was all inside of you 

Brian takes another trick home, not the one who blew him and not the one he danced with, not the guy he fucked later on, a different one. But, every single one of the men he had fucked tonight was Justin. Brian thought he was over picturing his former lover while fucking other men. It hadn’t happened for almost a week. He thought he was past all of that. So, he decides to bring someone home to dull or heighten the pain of the freshly reopened wound. He isn’t sure whether he wants the ache to be gone or to be stronger than ever. He hasn’t made up his mind quite yet. He doesn’t know how to feel because this is Justin, his eternal weakness. He is the only man, other than himself and Michael, that he can admit he truly cares for. And all Brian can think is, ‘that’s what you get for letting him in.’ But, how can he regret Justin? Justin is different. Justin is unique. Nonetheless, Justin is gone. 

 

_It was all inside of you_

Justin can’t think about anything but his and Brian’s encounter in the backroom. It has become his morning masturbatory fantasy; he is powerless to think about anything else. He thinks about Brian mostly at night, for the dreams haven’t stopped. He can still feel Brian inside of him as he sleeps, and still feels his heart ache inside his chest when he wakes. Justin sleeps all the time lately.

* * *

Author’s note: Song used in fic is-- “Carriage” by: Counting Crows

* * *


End file.
